Every feel like your life is one giant roller coaster? I do. Lately it totally feels like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride, and not one of those new smooth ones – one of the old-style wooden ones that constantly shakes, even when you’ve slowed down a bit! And I’m not a fan of roller coasters either. I don’t like feeling out of control, I don’t like that feeling of shaking up my insides. I usually only ride them to appease the people I’m with. And when I’m done, I don’t feel that, “Wow, I did it!” feeling – I just feel sick and unsettled.
Such has been my life. On the outside, I’m doing my best to keep it together, to maintain some sense of normal – mostly for the sake of my kids. But on the inside I feel like one more twist on the rails and I’m going to lose my lunch.
(For some context, here’s the update on me/baby: Since my last entry here, I have continued to have unexplainable bleeding issues, to the point that my midwife has referred me to an OB. Hopefully I’ll be seeing him asap and getting some answers.)
This week was the beautiful holiday of Thanksgiving – a day we set aside to focus on something that we should be doing daily – giving thanks. And I’ll be honest, I really wasn’t feeling it this year! I don’t think I realized just how much I was struggling until Thanksgiving came and I actually sat down to think about it. I’m struggling with a lot of feelings that, as a follower of God, I should be overcoming. Fear, anxiety, inadequacy, incompetancy, and of course, sheer exhaustion.
I’ve been trying to talk to God about it too, but even that has been so hard, because I just feel so lost. In the stress of everything, I’ve neglected my quiet time, which makes me feel so far away from God.
But I think He designed this morning’s Shabbat service just for me. 🙂 Our friend, Ken, spoke on how we don’t have to work to get to God’s presence, or try to find it somehow in our own power, but He is always there – right there with us. And then Rabbi Hylan spoke on thankfulness when it’s hard, when your feelings aren’t with you. It was exactly, precisely what I needed to hear this morning! It was so encouraging, so full of hope. And so honoring – that God used these men in this worship service in another state to minister to my exact needs. I was brought to tears more than once.
And now? I guess I try to take some joy in the roller coaster for as long as it lasts. Soak up the smiles in my kids’ faces, the new words my daughter is learning, hearing my son sing worship music at the top of his lungs in his adorable toddler voice, and cherish every moment.
And I think it’s okay to pray for the ride to be over soon too! ;-D