Family Life

Heart Changes and Thankfulness

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged!  I love blogging, but the first trimester of pregnancy has kind of hit me like a mack truck, and I just haven’t been able to take the time for it.  But something happened last weekend that I want to write about before emotions and memories start to fade.

{Content warning: Some slightly graphic content below.}

Things with my pregnancy had been going like I’ve always experienced in the first trimester.  I’m blessed to have fairly easy pregnancies, and have never had morning sickness to the point of vomiting.  I do have some nausea and a lot of food aversions, but my main challenge is fatigue.  I wake up exhausted, struggle to get meals on the table throughout the day, and try my best to lay down and rest at some point in the afternoon.  It’s rough, but not totally unmanageable.  And it fades after the first trimester.

Emotionally, I have still been struggling with frustration about going through another pregnancy, and ambivalence regarding the baby himself.  The bitterness I experienced when I first found out that I was pregnant has faded, but I have been having a hard time taking joy in the life growing inside of me.

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Last Friday, I was enjoying a lovely tea party with my beautiful daughter in her room after dinner.  We were having a great time together, reading and drinking tea out of the miniature tea set that I had when I was a girl, when I suddenly felt like I was having an incontinence issue.  I got up to use the bathroom, only to find that I was dripping blood.  It was scary. I got cleaned up and went downstairs to spend the rest of the evening on the couch.  I called my mom, my mother-in-law, my midwife, and sent emails to several friends to ask for immediate prayer.  I was having some cramping as well, which was also very unnerving, as bleeding with cramping has a much higher risk of miscarriage.  I did some googling (bad idea, by the way, if you’re concerned about a very scary possible outcome!), and just sat in shock for a long time.

I had so many thoughts going on in my mind.

Am I losing this baby?
What is this going to be like?
Am I really going to lose this baby after finally coming to grips with this pregnancy?
Is this happening because I wasn’t thankful enough for this baby?
Will we have another child?

Anyway, I spent the evening on “bedrest” and praying – for protection for my baby and for peace for me.  It was a quiet, somber night.  By morning, the bleeding had slowed dramatically and darkened in color (meaning no new fresh bleeding) – both of which were good signs.  I called my midwife who made plans to come by that afternoon and see if she could find a heartbeat.  I spent the morning on the couch, trying to allow the Lord to calm my fears, working on trusting that my baby and me were in His most capable hands.

Donna, my midwife, arrived just after 3pm.  She pulled out the Doppler and went to work to find my tiny babe.  And miracle of miracles, there it was! The most beautiful sound I have ever heard – the quick “lub-lub-lub-lub” of a tiny baby heartbeat.  Ahhh… 🙂  Donna told me that there are many reasons why the bleeding may have occurred, but at this point, all that mattered was that our baby was perfectly fine.

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Now that the scary part is behind me, I have realized that this scare was really a gift from God.   Before last weekend, my feelings regarding the baby inside of me ranged from resignation to ambivalence.  Now, however, I feel this amazing thankfulness that the baby is safe and well.  I feel protective and possessive (in a good way!) about this baby – my baby – who I am growing inside of me.  And I am so thankful that I was able to experience this shift in emotions.  It is a gift.

Anyway, I wanted to share this experience with you.  All of us, at some point, struggle with an aspect of our lives that seems like more than we can handle, or something we don’t necessarily want to deal with.  And we can choose how we react to it.  What kind of feelings do we foster?  How do we direct our thoughts?

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ~Philippians 4:8

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. ~Isaiah 26:3

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. ~2 Timothy 1:7

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. ~2 Corinthians 10:5

Many blessings to you, this week and always!

– Judy

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