It’s been over three months now since my precious son was born. These months have been hard, but absolutely amazing! My son has truly been a gift to me. He is such a delight.
I wanted to write a post specifically to follow up on our choice to end this chapter of growing the size of our family. (Please read the first part of our story -here-)I want to do this in hopes that someone will someday find it and be encouraged. There aren’t very many people out there sharing about this important decision – it’s so personal – but I know that it helped me to read about others’ experiences when we were trying to figure things out.
When I was reading about vasectomy aftermath, I came across two distinctly different views. Either women felt: 1. Relieved & Happy that they were finished having children, or 2. Depressed and Dejected that they were finished having children.
I fall somewhere in between.
To be completely honest, even though I had peace about the decision, I was a bit concerned about being depressed afterwards. I struggle with a tendency towards depression to begin with, and I wasn’t 100% on the same page as my husband about our family size. Sounds like a perfect storm for a major emotional struggle. I was hopeful, however, that things would be okay.
Fast-forward a few months. When Micah was 2 months old, I had to pack up his 0-3 month clothes. That was when things really started to hit me. I wept several times that day. I had dressed 3 sons in those clothes, and I was done. Done. No more of that sweet newborn smell, no more of the squishy not-yet-firm limbs, no more of the fuzzy lanugo shoulders, no more froggy limbs all curled up on me.
And I am still grieving. I know it’s going to be long process. Today I gave away my tiny baby boy clothes to my sister-in-law who is expecting soon, and while it was easier than giving them to a stranger, it was still hard. Part of me wanted to snatch them all back and lock myself in my bedroom and cry all over again! And I haven’t done anything with all the baby girl clothes I have either… 🙂
But there are good things too.
The biggest thing is that my husband seems to have fallen in love with me all over again. Not that we were ever “out” of love – he has always been a loving, caring spouse and my closest friend. But something changed in him after the vasectomy. I honestly believe that it was such a huge release of stress for him to know that the family we have will not grow any larger, that he will never have more children to provide for, that his wife will never go through 9 months of pregnancy again. He has been happier, more carefree, and more affectionate. And this has been a good confirmation for me that I did the right thing by yielding to his desire.
And my husband has been wonderfully understanding with me too. He knows that this is hard for me, and has let me take time to cry and mourn and process it all. I am so thankful for that.
So, all in all? It’s hard. I’m still grieving the children that I’ll never have. I still find myself reminding God that He could work a miracle and I would be okay with that! But I’m working on being fully present with the children that I have been given. They are all gifts from God, and I am so, SO honored to be their mama. And I’m leaning on the Lord for peace.