It’s been a crazy, busy month here in our home! In the past month, I have taken 3 trips out-of-state, leaving my kids (except Avigail) for the first and second times. It has been challenging, but it has been good. Even my trip to Minnesota for my uncle’s funeral was a good trip – getting to be there with my family for this difficult time was priceless.
Now that I’m home, we’re working on getting back into a routine. We’ve restarted school again after a 3-week break. I’m so thankful that my home was kept in great shape (thanks especially to my wonderful mom-in-law!), but I’m trying to get caught up on the random chores that tend to get neglected when I’m busy.
And on top of all of that, I’m super tired because… I’m pregnant again! Yep, we’ll be welcoming another sweet little one to our family next May.
And I think this is where I want to go for this blog. I’ve been trying to figure out what to blog about, because I have had so much on my mind lately that it’s been hard to focus it all into a cohesive thought. But I think that what the Lord has been teaching me has a lot of value, and hopefully you will be able to glean something from it as well.
Finding out that I was pregnant was not just surprising, but rather terrifying. To be brutally honest, when I saw that second blue line, I sobbed and sobbed – body-racking, uncontrollable sobs. When I was finally able to stop, it wasn’t for long – I cried many times during that first day.
See, way back when Mark and I first had Eliza, we wanted to have five children. And that has been the case ever since. But when I was pregnant with Avigail, Mark told me that he was thinking that he really wanted to be done having children with four. I told him that if the baby was born a girl, I would probably be okay with that, but if it was a boy, I’d want to try again for a girl. 🙂 He sorta-agreed with me, and we left it at that. It was still very stressful for me. I didn’t feel done having children, didn’t feel complete, didn’t feel ready to end that season of my life. Then Avigail was born, and the talks began again. I actually struggled a lot with depression because of it. Even though I was sorta-okay with the idea, it was like a part of me would have to die. But I love my husband, and I totally understand that he’s exhausted with parenting young children and ready to move on to the next season of life. And over the next year, I finally came to a place where I agreed with him. I was ready to move on. While I knew I’d miss getting to have another baby, I also knew that I’d always wonder what it would be like to have just one more!
Anyway, back to my story. So, I’d wrestled with all sorts of emotions over the past year in coming to a point where I was excited about being done having children and being ready to move beyond diapers and sleepless nights. And no sooner had that happened (and we’d decided to take the next step towards that), than this happened. It was as if God was answering us with a firm “No.” I didn’t understand it. Why? Why had God caused me to get pregnant when I shouldn’t have been able to? Why didn’t He listen to my exhausted husband’s heart’s desire? Why did He wait for me to finally come to grips with not having any children, just to yank the rug out from under me with this shocking news? And why did He pick me (again) instead of one of those couples who can’t have children and want so desperately to?? I was angry, hurt, sad, frustrated. I felt so lost, and walked around all day in a daze. I called my best friend, my mom, and my mom-in-law – all in tears. It was a hard, long day.
But in the back of my mind, I knew that I really didn’t have an option. I really didn’t have a right to question God, a right to argue with His infinite wisdom and power. So I had my day-long pity party, and went to bed an emotional mess.
The next morning, I came downstairs for my quiet time. Thankfully I was up before the kids were, so my quiet time was actually quiet. Ahh.. I opened up my gratitude journal, as is my habit first thing. But I couldn’t think of a single thing to be thankful for. My heart was hurting and raw. I began to cry again. I sat there on the couch, talking my thoughts out to the Lord.
“Why, God? I don’t understand!”
“I’m SO tired, so very tired.”
“Why did you let me finally get to be okay with being done and then put this on me?”
“I can’t do this again!”
And one by one, the Father answered me with His calm, sure words.
“Yes, Judy, you can do it.”
“You have learned so much through each of your children, but I have more that I still want to teach you.”
“I want you to trust Me. Trust that I know best. Trust that I will give you the strength you need.”
“You will come out of this stronger, and better equipped for the life I have for you, but you have to trust Me.”
As I began to let go of my own worries, He filled me with peace – and even a bit of joy! I’m not saying there aren’t times when I still struggle. It’s been 4 weeks already since I found out, and I’m still not always very joyful about it. But if I keep my eyes on my Creator, He helps me see the joy and the blessing. Remember this post? (You Are Joy) This was my heart’s meditation that day, and it still is now. God IS Joy – He IS Peace – He IS Love. And His ways – they are perfect.